Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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