literally had 100 drinks last night.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
