you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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