I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
