I accidentally had phone sex last night
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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