I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
