i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
