3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
