Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
