The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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