I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
