I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
