if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's blow job season.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
