I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
