I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
