i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
