just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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