So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
