Taylor Swift is so right about you.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
