yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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