dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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