I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
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