I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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