i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
