If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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