An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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