I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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