my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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