Moan for me like Helen Keller
I skipped work to stalk him.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
