I just made out with a guy for $7.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
