I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
