i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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