If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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