her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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