I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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