My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
