he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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