and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
