i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
