I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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