im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
