I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
