True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
