if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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