they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
