Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
