I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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