So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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