I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
