I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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