God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I still have a little drunk in my system
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
