How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
