I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
