Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
