hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You pole danced in your parka.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
