two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
