god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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