Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
